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The Exterminator/Transcript
DALE: Exterminator's log, 0:10:05 a. m. Rat infestation at the Nickman residence. This where you saw him last, Nickman? Yes, sir. He was underneath that cabinet. You see, unlike the human, the rat drags his testes as he walks. This creates a urine trail. buzzing Male testes confirmed. - Shouldn't you be wearing a mask? - Mask, smask. Smask. Sh mask. Shmask. Mask, shmask. That's it. Mask, shmask. heavily Exclaims chuckles You've peed in your last old man's kitchen. Gasps DALE: Nickman? HANK: it's Hank. They called me because, apparently, I'm your emergency contact person. I wanted someone who had nothing to gain from my demise. Good. I'm glad you're awake. Mr. Gribble, have eroded your sinuses and coated your lungs with a substance I can't quite identify. I would like that substance back. It belongs to me. Sighs Look, Dale, the doctor thinks you should quit exterminating. - Your body can't handle any more poisons. - Can, too. If you don't quit, you won't live to 50. Of course, I'm rounding that number up. Well, that was a waste of time. Don't tell Nancy what he said. She'd wanna listen to this clown. I already called her. She had to stop at home to get your real IDs. That was a bad, bad move, Hank. She's here, too? That's it. Hank, you are hereby relieved of your duties as my emergency person. Peggy. you're in. You will not regret it. Nancy, did you borrow my rat-urine detector? I donated it to charity. You're too sick to exterminate, sug'. I'll tell you what I told that doctor: "I'm not quitting, you incompetent quack. " I love exterminating. - More than you love me? - No. Pretty close, though. Dale, you have a family who needs you. - And I need to work to support them. - I support us. - But I contribute. - You pay the cable bill. Come on, sug', if not for me, then for Joseph. What about your dream to see your son take his son to Roswell? That rang true. Well, if you need me, I'll be 8 feet under in my metaphorical grave. The basement. Damn, I was good. opens Dad, I just came down to borrow some roaches for my science project. Roaches have been on this earth for 500 million years. You've been here, what? 13? You're in over your head. What species are these? Madagascar hissing cockroaches. Hisses Well done. All right, here's what we'll do for your science project. We will breed servant roaches. As long as we ensure that I'm the first thing the roaches see when they are born, they will think I am their mother and will therefore obey my every command. My every command. Think we can train them to crawl through a maze? We'll train them to do worse things than that, Joseph. Gasps NANCY: Oh, my Lord. Did it occur to either of you to set the table for dinner? I guess we were distracted by our afternoon of monitoring roach excretia. That's how you spend your days? Who ate all the chopped meat? That was dinner. The roaches. Excretia doesn't come from nowhere. Guess who I saw at the Mega Lo Mart? - Richie Sambora. - No, you didn't. You weren't there. You know, Dale, we're all out here to unwind from the work day. But the past few days, you've, sort of, just been loitering. I've more pressures than any of you. You ever tried replacing a cockroach's blood with root beer? - You know I haven't. - Then don't judge me. Oh, my! All Dale does is eat, play with bugs, and make prank phone calls. Do you know he called my office three times today trying to get me to change my long-distance service? That was him? I'm tired of getting while-you-were-out messages from the receptionist. "Husband called, still waiting for sex. " Now, come May, I expect a Mother's Day gift from you roaches. Word to the wise: Something you make yourselves means even more. Hey, Dale. How are things with Nancy? You know, you used to brag about stuff. I didn't mean to brag. It's just that we were having spectacular sex. Yeah, but not so much lately, huh? Maybe it's something I ate. What's the opposite of oysters? Apples? Look, maybe it has something to do with you being out of work. I mean, would you want to sleep with a bum? - No. - That's right. See, there's nothing sexier than a man with a nine-to-five job. Which is why I lined up a new job for you. Remember my cousin, Rita? - The one with the underbite? - Yeah. Well, she just quit her job at that adhesives company and she's putting in a good word for you to replace her. Well, I hope she puts it in writing because you can barely understand her when she talks. - My man looks so handsome. - I know. And I type 30 words per minute. Can we make out? Well, look at you in your suit. It's Joseph's. You didn't have to drive me to work. I wasn't gonna play hooky on my first day. Well, that's not what you told Bobby. Your boy's a liar and a blabbermouth. And, Dale, remember, everyone likes a hard worker. Of course they do. They do all the work for them! Ass. Mr. Gribble, you're a minute late. No, my watch says 9:01. Oh, do you start at 9:00? Well, we're a team at Stik-Tek. And a team is only as strong as its weakest player. That's you. We don't smoke here at Sfikifek. I understand. You have to tell everyone that. We don't allow sunglasses at Stik-Tek unless you can prove that you're blind. Certainly no caps, except yarmulkes under 8 inches in diameter. The cap stays. Not at Stik-Tek. You're bald. And not in an attractive way, like Sean Connery. Oh, well, rules are rules. Here's your cubicle. This is where you sit and work. Welcome to Stik-Tek. My little working man's up early today. They made me join a car pool and it leaves early because of all the stops. Well, maybe they can pick you up last. I tried that. Rodriguez is last. Always has been. Dale, I know you're used to being your own boss. But you've got to learn how to work with humans. Humans? They won't even let me eat lunch until 1:00. You know I like nine small meals throughout the day. horn honking Not ready! Check this out. Something's going on between Frank and Linda. I heard from that guy in Accounts Payable, the one with the vintage glasses that they were at Bennigan's sharing mozzarella sticks. Enjoy the end of The Today Show, Rodriguez? Not as much as the beginning of Regis. Hey, did you guys hear about Frank and Linda? DALE: Invoice 134772. Amount $3. 88. Check number 8429, cleared. Invoice number 134773. Amount $17. 47. Check number 3524, cleared. Oh, God. Invoice 134774. Amount $6. 19. Mr. Gribble, what did I tell you? - No hats of any kind at Stik-Tek. - Thank you. One more slip-up and you lose your privileges to dress casual on casual Fridays. - Are we clear? - Clear. Can I go to lunch now? I moved your lunch to 4:00. I need you to fill in for the receptionist. She's eating lunch. I don't know if I can wait for Dale any longer. BILL: I'm getting awfully chilly. DALE: Up yours, Rodriguez. Hey, Dale, what's new in the world of adhesives? Well, we were each issued two Stik-Tek brand stick-it pads. Well, this is great. We're getting the inside scoop here, fellas. I should tell you about Special Project F adhesive strips for envelopes that come in all different flavors. Mango, peach, lime, cherry and maybe piÃ±a colada. Speaking purely as a consumer I can't wait for that product to hit the stores. - How about you, Boomhauer? - Dang old What? Yeah, man. You know Dad, since you're spending so much time at work we'd better leave the roach tank in your office. That way you'll still be the first thing they see when they hatch. - And they'll think-- - Up yours, Joseph! - Dale. - I'm sorry, son. That's the coffee talking, and the fluorescent lighting. And the excruciating headache. Make some time for the roaches, sug'. We'd all love to make time for roaches. But in the real world, people have to spend all night reconciling invoices or Miss Pitman won't let them wear chinos and a knit shirt next Friday! Dale, what are you doing to the Bug-a-Bago? My turn to drive the car pool and the underground garage clearance is only 7 feet. Why don't you just take off her antennas? Why don't you just take off Bobby's head? I can't fire Bert. He and I started at Stik-Tek at the same time Well, I can't fire him. We were married briefly in the '80s. Part of me still loves him. DALE: Whine, whine, whine. When I was an exterminator, I killed living "isms. " What's the big whoop about firing someone? Mr. Gribble, you don't know Bert Halverstrom, do you? Met him once. Didn't care for him much. Well, since you're about the only one here who has no personal attachment to Bert, maybe you could do me a favor-- Fire him? Throw in a container of milk and we have ourselves a deal. Good-looking kids for two ugly people. I was expecting Miss Pitman. Amy. Yeah, she asked me to talk to you instead. Aren't you the receptionist? When Judy eats lunch. But that's not important. What is important is that you've got 30 seconds to tell me why you should keep your job. Well, l Yeah, that's not going to fly. Sorry, Halverstrom. You're fired. Gasps Bert, I just heard. I'm so sorry. That was very decisive. Listen, there's someone else I need to fire. This person I hate so much, I can't even look at him. You know the price. - It's all over, Gladstone. - Excuse me? Pack your stuff and get out by the end of the day. I can see why you don't like him. What about my health insurance? - Miss Pitman? - I fought for you, Sal. Honestly. Anyone else? I'm still thirsty. Mr. Gribble, how would you like to make this your permanent job? Firing Gladstone? Sure. Gladstone! No. Look, nobody knows this but Dallas is downsizing the flavored adhesive division. PiÃ±a colada was killing lab monkeys left and right. What a day. Car pool had to stop at the store. Rodriguez needed a comb. Oh, yeah. They made me Assistant Vice President of Human Resources. My husband is an assistant vice president? I am so proud of you. What're you doing? I heard Mitch got eighty-sixed, too. Yeah, at his own damn birthday party. Gribble walked in, blew out the candles, told him to leave the cake and get out. All of these plants are real and give off oxygen which I use throughout the day. By my count, that's six outlets, Dale, all of them grounded. NANCY: Here's a photo of me for your new, big, fancy desk. We could move it if we ever wanted to you know. Have sex on the desk? Sure. We could even move the roaches. I'll just have to find a new place to keep my keys to the executive washroom. - Who has to make? - Why, I could go. You're not an executive. Hold it in until we get to the restaurant. How could I have forgotten? - Lewis, could you come in here for a sec? - Yes, Mr. Gribble. Lewis, now, you've been with Stik-Tek for how long? - It'll be 14 years next week. - No, it won't. You're fired. gasp - Fired? But-- - Yeah, listen. I'm hungry, she has to pee, and he has to get back to work or he'll end up in the same boat as you. But I've got four children. I had someone earlier today with eight. Heck, I once killed a beetle with 30 million in her egg sac. Sobs Well, who wants steak? DALE: Sh-sh-shah to you! That guy you fired today, the way he was crying I said sh-sh-shah. I just can't get that image out of my head. Then let me replace it with this image. Humming - Sorry, sug'. I just don't feel like it. - Maybe this'll help. Rodriguez, if you ever want your kids to see you lose another sack race at the company picnic I suggest you get your butt in the back seat. Excuse me. smugly Thought so. Carl as a janitor, what would you do with unlimited free time and no income? - Sug'? - Busy, Nancy. Joseph, also busy. But, Dad, my science project's due tomorrow. I need my roaches. They should've hatched by now. They're in the bottom drawer of my desk next to Carl's severance check. Now, if you'll excuse us-- They've escaped. We gotta find them. You people with your roaches. I'm trying to fire this incompetent fool with compassion. But, Dad! You keep this up, Joseph, you're fired from this family. - Dale. - You're next, blondie. Carl, I'm off to round up some roaches. Any one of which would have made a better janitor than you. People, we have a small insect situation. Please remain Veronica, you're fired calm and enjoy your lunch. screaming Look out! Remain calm, everyone. I am their mother. Line up single file and get back in the tank. Screams They're not recognizing me as their maternal influence. The project has gone horribly awry. Quick, Joseph, get me some real poison. But, Dad, you're not supposed to inhale any more poison. Damn it, why are there so many ways to kill people but only one way to kill bugs? Hold that thought. Grunts chuckles grunts Grunting Grunting Yells Gasps Turbine! Rumbling screaming Sh-sh-sha! The roaches are dead. Please return to your lunch. Enjoy. Wow. You killed them all. And you didn't even use poison. Yeah, I did. And I didn't, did I? I don't need that toxic crutch. All I need is Dale Gribble, the exterminator. Pitman, firing people can give you a pretty good buzz but it's a poor, poor substitute for killing. - I realize that now. - Dale, please. You were the best human resources manager Stik-Tek ever had. And I'm going all the way back to when we were Stik Co. Sorry, Miss Pitman, I've got some love to give. And some love to make. MISS PITMAN: Mr. Gribble. DALE: Good news, Joseph. You can have your suit back. DALE: Maybe this 'II help.﻿ Category:Transcripts